The One with Thursday Blues

The questions about life, the universe and everything kind of pales in comparison to the more pressing questions of life..like what is the importance of Thursday in the grand scheme of things?
I ask myself this question every Thursday, more so since I have started working.. I mean, you know what, Thursday isn't like Mon- Wed when work is all there is to think about.. its not Friday when the weekend is all there to think about.. Thursday..mm... you don't feel like working too much because the weekend is nearing and you feel guilty for feeling so because there is one whole day left to the weekend..so, what is the purpose of Thursday????
Today was just another Thursday spent at the office...workload is not so much this week..last week was crazy. So I'm taking my time this week to laze around, read up on some articles that were long pending..generally willing Saturday to come so I can sleep for 12 hours straight.

Heard some good music on my way back home.. for those of you in Mumbai, you would know there is a new FM channel on 104.8 and its called 'MEOW'..as in the sound a cat makes.. and they have such a lame songline for the station..it goes like "thodi meethi, thody catty..104.8".. oh my god..!!
I was thinking today that I will call them up one of these days to tell them the song sucks.. I mean what kind of characterization is Meow?..and its supposed to be the first Only For Women radio channel!!! Does anyone care about having a radio station just for women????.. their saving grace is that the music is good..at least at the time that I go back home, there is some predictable yet comfortable english music being played.
Heard some Eric Clapton, U2, Eagles, Def Leppard on my way back today. All songs I know the lyrics of so I could sing along to my heart's content.

I left office early today because of the aforementioned Thursday blues..had to go visit my teammate who injured her back today and so couldn't come to office. Took away some of her mental bandwidth by chattering randomly. I had planned to come home early and watch Star Wars -- hadn't decided which one but definitely the Luke Skywalker franchise.. somehow the Anakin Skywalker part just doesn't hold my interest. Was planning on either catching up on Empire Strikes Back or Return of the Jedi. I just love the dialogue in which Darth Vader tells Luke - "Luke, I am your father".. In the episode of Simpsons called The Forrest Gump episode, the police arrests Springfield residents who copy film characters. In that, the black city doctor is dressed up as Darth Vader and says the same dialogue and laughs in his characteristic way.. If you watch the Simpsons, you'd know what I'm talking about.

Anyway, this post is a follow-up on my earlier resolve to blog regularly.. so even though no life changing matter is on my head currently, I will still write.. Asked a friend for his new blog's URL which I had misplaced, only to go and find that he's been as lazy as I me or he's been as busy as me and hasn't updated the blog..

Ah well, maybe the purpose of Thursday is for lazy people like me to spend some time doing other things in life and nothing more grander than that..I think I can settle with that..

The One with the Resolve

I will not flatter myself by thinking that my blog might have had a few regular visitors..who would have resigned to the fate that I write only once a year.
So this entry is not for those people (though if anyone of you was a regular...I promise to write more.. please do visit).

It was just another random Tuesday when I was sitting in the office...and having worked for 5 hours straight with only a lunch break in between, I decided to do some TP. Nothing harmful, just thought I would read some blogs that I visit and see what's happening in people's lives. By the end of the hour, within which I had surfed through 3-4 blogs, I realized that I used to like writing.

Unlike some people I know who have a theme to their blogs , mine is just random musings. So, me being the lazy person that I am, I don't get myself to write unless something is on my mind that I feel the urge put in words. But I've realized that it's a good way to do something beyond just going to office and going home from office.
To cut a long story short, I'm going to be regular from now onwards.. and I'm going to write about anything that comes to my mind even if its not earth shattering..

So, what have I done since the last post and this one.. not much really, if you take into account the significance of the universe. I landed myself a job..my very first..and I find myself once again in Mumbai :)

I' m with ICICI Bank now and I'm doing some very interesting work in the Investment Banking - Private Equity field. Living with a batchmate from FMS in the central suburbs of Mumbai.

As always, trying to learn along the way, every day.

So there's your new year resolve, albeit some weeks late.. Blog Regularly..

Oh, and Happy New Year.. the blog has seen three new years now :)

The One with The Year Ending Post

Time to make that quintessential year ending post.

And unlike last year, this year I do remember what I was doing last New Year’s eve, thanks to the post made by me last year.

This last year, I’ve had some of the most varied experiences of life and have learnt a great deal.

Professionally speaking, I had the first brush of corporate life this summer and learnt some stuff. On campus, I helped conduct two placement processes. I learnt a lot from that.

This year also marks the ending of my academic life, at least for now. Only a couple of months more to go to finish MBA. Despite all my cribbing and some of the disillusion, given a chance, I would not change any of the decisions that I have made in these two years. I feel that despite having to let go of some essential things that my other batch mates have achieved, I’ve utilized my time well and have grown to be a different person from two years before (professionally) in a better way.

What the coming couple of months have in store for me, I do not know. It is highly possible that my experience in the next two months will determine how I look back on my MBA education. For now, I will suffice to say that I have learnt more than I thought I will and that the journey has been good.

On a personal front, as usual this year saw some relationships going bad and others being reinforced. These last couple of days, I have been having this craving to go back to school. Nostalgia has not hit me like this for quite some time now. Certain events triggered this more than others.

But if anyone asks me five years down the line, what it is about 2006 that I remember, I will remember rediscovering a long lost friend.

A friend who has been in my life since I can remember. Frankly, I cannot recall what it was like before this person came into my life – maybe its because its been too long or maybe because this person became such an important part or maybe both.

It is completely ironic how I say that he was such an important part and yet I say that I rediscovered him this year.

I believe everyone has friends – long lost- who they remember everyday in some subconscious part of the brain, but who remain merely those – memories. This friend of mine has been a little more than just a memory for the last eight years. We have been in correspondence, if only for birthdays. We’ve known each other since forever. We stopped being such good friends somewhere down the line because of some unfortunate misunderstandings. It took us some two years to get back in touch. Over the last six years, we’ve been civilized to each other and have built a pseudo-friendship.

It’s really funny how pseudo-friendships turn out to be more comfortable than the intense, loyal ones. So that’s how we’ve been – riding the smooth waves of a comfortable camaraderie.

The rediscovery came about when I finally learnt the truth about the incident that had caused us to separate. A truth which he revealed to me after eight years. A fact that might have changed my life had I got to know about it back then. A fact that now, merely evokes bittersweet memories and tons of ‘What If’ questions.

I was quite elated when I found out this piece of information. But a couple of days down the line, I’ve started feeling not so great about it. In fact, maybe it would have been better had it remained hidden, like it was all these years. Because so far I had built my life on the absence of this knowledge. The sudden inflow of information is causing me to rearrange all the years gone by.

I marvel at the human psyche. I marvel at how feelings change so easily with time. I marvel at how our lives change, how the people who matter change and how easily we allow ourselves to change.

I know that this ability to change is the key to survival. Without it, we would all be stuck in a moment and would not be able to live our lives. Yet, it evokes in me an ache so basic and so core, that I feel the need to question all of it. What I wouldn’t do at this moment to own a pensieve to store and review all the important things in life.

This post is dedicated to this particular friend of mine – who I lost when I needed him the most and who I have now rediscovered.

This post is also dedicated to another friend – whose loss I feel everyday of every year, and who, sadly I cannot find again.

Another new year’s eve signaling a year gone by that’s been great fun, a little problematic and loads of learning.

Happy New Year !!

Slow dancing on the boulevard
In the quiet moments while the city’s still dark
Sleepwalking through the summer rain and the tired spaces
You could hear her name when she was warm and tender
And you held her arms around you
There was nothing but her love and affection
She was crazy for you
Now she's part of something that you lost


And for all you know
This could be
The difference between what you need
And what you wanna be
Yeah, what you wanna be

Night swimming in her diamond dress
Making small circles move across the surface
Stand watching from the steady shore
Feeling wide open and waiting for
Something warm and tender
Now she's moving further from you
There was nothing that could make it easy on you
Every step you take reminds you that she's walking wrong


Yeah, for all you know
This could be
The difference between what you need
And what you want

Every word you never said
Echoes down your empty hallway
And everything that was your world
Just came down

Day breaking on the boulevard
Feel the sun warming up your second hand heart
Light swimming right across your face
And you think maybe someday, yeah
Maybe someday

For all you know
Yeah, this could be
The difference between what you need
And what you want

Yeah, for all you know
For all you know
Yeah, for all that you know
This is what you wanna be
Girl, what you wanna be

- MATCHBOX 20 - "The Difference"

The One with The Sunscreen

Just an arbit post about this song that I really like-- Baz Luhrmann's Everybody's free to wear sunscreen. The song is like one of those mails that we used to forward to each other back in school and sounds like it should be on a Hallmark or an Archie's poster.. But it's a lot of fun to listen to when all you want is some different music and also when you want some advice and don't find anyone around..
_________________________________________________________________

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.
The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists
whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…
I will dispense this advice now. Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and
recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked….
You’re not as fat as you imagine. Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind;
the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing everyday that scares you
Sing
Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss
Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.
Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.
Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.
Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe you won’t,
maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.
Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people
think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own..
Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.
Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard;
live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.
Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it.
Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen…

The One with Childhood Memories

This one has almost been a nagging thought asking to be put into words. Just to write down the flashes of memories those keep coming to me every now and then.

When we were younger, my brother and I, every summer for vacations we used to go to Chennai. At that time Chennai was a place of escape for me. When I was a kid I used to hate staying in Delhi, as we did not have any relatives there. I had no cousins in the city. I did not have a big joint family around me like my friends. It used to be only the four of us and at that age, I used to long for a joint family with uncles, aunts and cousins.

So going to Chennai for summer vacations was something I looked forward to the whole year.

In Chennai also, I used to like being at my cousin’s place more than my nana-nani’s. Everything about the time I have spent there is etched on mind as clearly as if it were yesterday. Right from the house that they lived in. It wasn’t even their own, but I used to love that house as if it were my own. They’re not there anymore, obviously. They’re not even in the country anymore. I have a small family. At that time I had only two cousins. With my brother and me, that made only four of us. We were a very close knit group. Even our age differences were evenly spaced out. Obviously I was closer to my cousin sis Anu than to her brother, Arun. They used to have school when we had vacations. So in the mornings, while they went to school, I would just hang around the house trailing behind my daadi. I remember there was a phase when I used to listen to the soundtrack of Anjali every day, day in day out. I used to wait for them to come back from school to have lunch with them. It used to be such a fun affair having lunch and dinner with them.

Then in the evening, in the huge hall that the house had, my grandmother would plait my sister’s hair first and then mine. Late afternoon sunlight would be streaming in slits from the balcony. The clock would be about to strike 4:30. And all this preparation was done so that we could go to the terrace to play. We used to play stapu. I don’t know if anyone still plays that game. It’s the one in which you draw seven blocks and throw a stone and hop to pick it up. The terrace was huge and there always used to be a beautiful breeze in the evening. My grandmother and my mom would sit on the side and chat away while watching us. As it became darker to play, we would just sit around and chat.

At night, we used to play all kinds of indoor games like hide and seek and catch.

As the years went by and we grew older, Anu and I would go shopping together, do the occasional cooking, talk about life and the guys in our livesJ.

I remember I was extremely upset when they moved from that house. For me that house symbolized our childhood, all our activities and memories were captured in that house and I could not for the life of me understand, why they would want to leave it.

I was right. After the move, things have never been the same. Of course, it really wasn’t because they moved from there. It was because we all have grown up. We don’t have summer vacations anymore. We are all not even in the same country anymore. This November, Anu is getting married. We’re that grown up.

The memory of that time, in that house, is like a safe place for me. A safe place is a concept used in regression hypnosis, where the patient is asked to return to when the session gets too difficult to handle. Sometimes while going about routine work, I just stop and wonder why I am doing what I am doing, and wonder where the good old days have gone. I guess for me whenever I yearn for the good ol’ days, I just think about that time and that place, which is frozen in space.

And I still ask my grandma sometimes to plait my hair. Not because I need it anymore, but because it symbolizes a constant in this blindly fast-paced routine.

It's really ironic to think that in our hurry to grow up and see the world, we have left the best part of our lives behind, never to go back.

This empty kitchen's where
I'd while away the hours
Just next to my old chair
You'd usually have some flowers
The shelves of books
Even the picture hooks
Everything is gone
But my heart is hanging on

If this old neighbourhood
Survived us both alright
Don't know that it withstood
All the things that took our light
You on the stair
I can see you there
Everything is gone
But my heart is hanging on

Once there was a little girl
Used to wonder what she would be
Went out into the big wide world
Now she's just a memory
There used to be a little school here
Where I learned to write my name
But time has been a little cruel here
Time has no shame

It's just a place where
We used to live
It's just a place where
We used to live

Now in another town
You lead another life
And now upstairs and down
You're someone else's wife
Here in the dust
There's not a trace of us
Everything is gone
But my heart is hanging on

It's just a place where
We used to live
It's just a place where
We used to live

- A Place Where we used to Live
Mark Knopfler

The One with Bombay Musings

With great thought and will, I have overcome the overbearing shackles of laziness to finally come back to the blog to update after five months..well, four and a half to be more precise.
And, what has brought this sudden turnaround you ask? The one reason that makes all bloggers a little bit more active- a summer internship with not much work to do.
Over the last 3-4 weeks, since I have landed in Mumbai, many a times I have felt the urge to write. Many a times, I have wanted to discuss on the blog things running through my mind. But then, the moments passed and laziness conquered.
Let's start with the way I feel about Mumbai.
The city is very different from Delhi. Just to make myself clear- I will not be making any judgements in this post.
Bombay is functionally much more efficient than Delhi. When I say functionally efficient I mean things like being able to find transport at any point of the day or night. The way the people in this city do everything in an orderly way. To echo a friend's thoughts- in a city so large and with so many people, if they did not do it in an orderly way, there would be utter chaos. The ability to stay out at late at night knowing that it is safe.
These are some things that make it definitely better than Delhi.
Ever since I've come here, every conversation with every other person ends up with the other person passing a judgement that says -"That's it. I've said it. Bombay is better than Delhi and I obviously know what I'm talking about."
I am going to reserve my judgement on this matter.
For a person who has lived all her life in Delhi, Bombay is a very different city. The very feel, the essence of the city is starkly different from Delhi. As it should be. In Bombay, I see lots of people and then some more, lots of small small flats, major rush in the public trains, traffic jams... essentially space constraint. It is a city accomodating more and more people looking as if it will burst at the seams. It is divided into a city and then lots of suburbs, where people live. People travel to the city for work, entertainment, schools, colleges etc., but catch a train and go back to live in the suburbs.
Delhi does not have any suburbs... I wouldnt call Noida and Gurgaon suburbs. As a completely opposite view, Delhi has space. It always gives one the feeling of having a lot of space around. There are no traffic jams, the population is distributed amongst the various regions and nobody travels to one part of the city for work, education and lives in another. It also has its share of the posh and the not-so-posh areas. It's regions are also structurally very different from each other, but there is always space. That I think, is the essential difference.
It is true that people in Delhi hardly ever wait in queues to get to anywhere.
By contrast, in Bombay, there is a queue for everything, a queue which people respect. Last week, I was at a friend's brother's marriage and there was a queue to greet the couple at the reception dias. I can honestly say I've never seen that before.
As different as cities maybe, I believe that all types of people reside in any given city. To harshly stereotype a city's residents as one thing or the other is not really fair. Sure, the surroundings have an effect on people, and people in different cities are different, but once again, every city has all types of people living in it. Some good and helpful and some not.
This is stemming from something a batchmate of mine said last week - "People in Delhi are such hypocrites. They are absolutely intolerable." Much as I would have liked to retort to that, I generally don't rise to such baits. Well, my friend obviously did not realise that she was speaking to a true blue Delhiite. I have lived all my life in Delhi and I have come across different people. Much as I know, that if I were to live the rest of my life in Bombay, I will still come across different people.
I guess the post has become quite long and as usual, I am not sure whether I have articulated my thoughts on this matter in the correct fashion or not.
I'll end this post with a little question for which I do not have an answer- does a city make it's people or do people make a city?

The One With The New Year

Its New Year Day once again. Every new year just makes you realize how fast time is going by. It's quite funny I can't seem to remember what I was doing last New Years. Only remember that entire January was spent at home, just giving b-school entrances and logged into PagalGuy all the time.
Well, I had no plans for New Years Eve. So, I was basically just at home, with my folks...some people might think thats kinda sad. But I love being at home. I absolutely enjoy doing nothing and just reading a good book. Of course I did wish everyone through phone, orkut, Yahoo, whatever.

Orkut... is almost my best friend now. Ankush sent me an invite before the summers. Since then, I've obviously added all the people from FMS and DCE. But the amazing thing is that I've found so many old friends from school, esp AFBBS. As great as it is to make new friends, the joy of bumping into an old friend is unmatchable. Some of these people from AFBBS are the ones I've been friends with since we were 5 or 6. It's quite amazing.

And I had a realization... yesterday night at 12, my best friends from my so far 3 phases of life all called. Samyak called from Mysore.. although he was multi-tasking and was talking to me while playing basketball. Nevertheless, it was great to talk to him as always. Samyak is my best friend from the DPS RKP phase of my life and it's remarkable how we are in such good touch with each other even though we didn't live in the same city after school.

And surprise of surprises, Pulkit called at dot 12. The least expected call of all. I've already stated in this blog that he is my oldest friend, but I've gotta confess.. I don't have his phone number or even a mail id to contact him. I think Ina or any of my AFBBS friends can appreciate this.. Pulkit was never one to call even when we were in school.. so..

And of course, Karan called. He is my best friend from DCE. He's just shifted to Bangalore and I know I'll always be in touch with him.

So if anybody asks me what I did on New Years Eve..hey I spent it with my best friends ... what more can a girl want :)

The One With Random Musings

As usual I have come back to make a post after many requests to update. My tagboard stopped working suddenly, dont know why and with that all my messages that were on my tagboard have also gone :(.

Well time once again to write whatever comes to my mind right now.
I'm listening to a song by Cher as I write. It's called 'Walking in Memphis'. If anyone is a X-Files fan, they will probably realize the significance of this song. This song is featured in the episode- 'Post-Modern Prometheus'. It is one of the sweetest episodes, considering The X-Files is not a show which has sweet episodes.

The Post Modern Prometheus is special in more than one ways. For starters, it is in black and white. Which kind of fits the episode also, as the town that Mulder and Scully visit is rustic and archaic at its best, both literally and in people's mindsets.

The next unique thing you notice about this episode is the Cher background to it. For a series which is as void of music and happiness as it can get, this episode has Cher tunes in various scenes.
It is a very touching episode in the sense that the monster is actually very good at heart. My heart goes out to The Great Mutato everytime I see this episode. It literally signifies how appearances can be deceiving.

And of course finally, and definitely not the least memorable thing- the Mulder/Scully dance. Its amazingly sweet how Mulder extends his hand to Scully and pulls her into his arms and they slow dance to the song. If you are or were as crazy about XF as I was at a point in time, just the memory of that scene brings a smile to the face.

I guess I havent written about my obsession for XF on this blog. It's another one of those things that I grew up with. I am a die-hard Mulder/Scully fan. I met couple of my couple of friends because we had this in common. Quite funny, when you think about it. When I was around 14-15 I think, my room used to be a collage of pictures of Mulder/David. The series is now over. I own the DVDs but I don't get to watch it with as much fervor as I used to at that time. My pictures and articles collection has dust forming over them. But not on the memories. I know, some people might think it's absurd to be so attached to a TV show.. but for me, it's not just a TV show.

I literally grew up with Mulder and Scully and their experiences, and those memories represent to me a time in life, when I did not have to worry about anything, when all I had to do was go to school and have fun, come back and have some more fun. It represents a time of blooming friendship with Aakanksha, Lalit and Mallika. It represents my teenage phase, when the only person I could dream of was David Duchovny. Aakanksha, Mallika and I had made a pact that we would go visit David sometime in our life, just to tell him how much we loved him.... seems funny eh? What the hell, I'm still game for it :)..

I've blogrolled a new blog.. it is one of my friend's blogs but the person prefers to be anonymous. I was just thinking about the concept of having a blog under a pseudonym. It really appeals to me right now, when I have a lot of stuff that I would like to put down but cannot. But on the other hand, I love it when people read my posts and comment on it. Even if they are people I don't know. I guess I don't have a choice now.. all my friends and then some know about my blog and visit it. Which is just as well I guess.

Put on my blue suede shoes
And I boarded the plane
Touched down in the land of the delta blues
in the middle of the pouring rain
W.C Handy won't you look down over me
Yeah, Ive got a first class ticket
But I'm as blue as a girl can be

When I was Walking in Memphis
I was walking with my feet ten feet off off Beale
Walking in Memphis
Do I really feel the way I feel?

The One with Obscure Thoughts

I really love driving. Especially if there's no traffic to encounter and you can speed along the 25 kms home. I especially love the drive back home at night. Gives me a lot of time to think, reflect on the day's events, people, or just singalong to whatever's on the radio.
So today was just another ride back home.. only full of obscure thoughts, mood swings, a lot of channel shuffling. So what follows will be an obscure presentation of the random thoughts swinging through my head.

I have been angry with someone today. Sorry, my blog is read by too many people, so can't mention names. And the reason I was angry was also juvenile, something I can't be stating or even showing to that person at this age. So, as usual the defensive part of my inner self stepped in as I told myself, that I don't need anyone's help, I can do it all on my own, I m not asking other people for help anymore etc. etc.

Have you ever realized that some of the songs that you listen to when you'r e like 11 or 12, stick with you for life. Today on Radio City, I heard some of the songs that used to come on this programme called Superhit Muqabla on DD-2. Songs from Raju Ban Gaya Gentleman, Deewana etc. and I was surprised to find that after all these years, I remembered the lyrics perfectly.

Anyway, in order to avoid 3 signal lights in the lodhi road area, I take a detour through Jor Bagh. So, virtually everyday I pass through Pulkit's house. He still lives there, just like he did 16 years back. I ve never mentioned him here have I? Pulkit is my oldest friend, oldest in the sense the first friend that I can remember. We both joined AFBBS on the same day, and had a special bond even at that young age of 6. We were both made monitors the first day. We both used to go home together by the back gate. 16 years hence, I still pass through the lane he lives in. I haven't talked to him in ages. We've had our problems. We're somewhat over them.. but a friendship as special as that is as fragile as delicate china. Once broken, the crack is always there. But yes, like any friends, we've had our fun time together...and no matter what, I know that I am and always will be his first friend in life, like he is mine.

I drive through the Lodi Road Area everyday twice. The area signifies a lot in life for me. Other than Pulkit's house which I already mentioned, I pass through AFBBS everyday. It still has the same aircraft standing in the lawns. The buses have changed, and so have the people. But the buildings are the same. I take a look at the building everyday..the senior school building.. and I can still here our voices echoing in the corridors.

The other day I made a detour through Pragati Vihar Hostel..my first residence in Delhi in 1991 May. Everything around there also looks the same. But we have changed. Looking at PV Hostel, makes me realize how much we have changed. We were all young then.. Srini hadn't even joined school, and I was in the 3rd standard. Mum didn't work then, and dad wasn't a lawyer. Life was relaxed. Dad used to carry my bicycle down two floors and teach me how to ride it, running behind all the time. He used to throw ball to Srini and play cricket. We used to go to Children's park to go on the slide that went round and round. Things are very different now. All four of us are so busy in our own work, we eat together once a week.. but I am still thankful for that.

I think there's been an overdose of obscure thoughts, but what the hell, its my blog, I can write whatever I want. But I am still angry with that someone, I hope you read this. And I still miss life that used to be, people who used to be..but I love the life that is now, the people there are now.. and the best thing is to always adapt and start loving life, whatever the changes.

The One with Deepak's Birthday

So it's that day again.... September 4th 2005. The dawn of September brings with it memories some good, some very bad.. but mostly to me, September is the month of bad things happening. Irony factor.. September 4th used to be a day of celebration, but that one day of celebration is also now a day for just bittersweet memories.

When Karan called yesterday night, he had already lapsed into sadness, and after I finished taking him out of it, it was my turn. It's Deepak's birthday today. This year, none of us are together to celebrate. Karan said that Sumit and he will be celebrating at night with a nice dinner and all. Last year we all went to a temple on this day.

And last to last year, we had celebrated properly. I remember I had gifted him the watch because it was a standing joke between us, that my watch was bought from a gubbarewalla, and he wanted the same. I went a step ahead and had bought him a proper watch. I had wanted him to know how glad I was to have him as a friend. As it is, we were just recovering from a semester of animosity, and were strengthening our friendship at that time.

I could not go to a temple today like we had all planned to. But I prayed at home itself. I prayed for him to be happy always. I prayed for his sisters to be happy. I prayed to God to give courage to his parents to face year after year of birthdays. I prayed for us.

And even though every day I think about him, some remark, some smile, some incident, .. some days are worse than others. And birthdays definitely the worst. He's 23 today :)

Tere bina zindagi se koi shikwa to nahi
Tere bina zindagi bhi lekin zindagi to nahi...

Happy Birthday Deepak !!

The One with The Inspiration

So, yeah.. they've all been telling me that I've abandoned my blog, mera blog lawaris ho gaya hai and so on and so forth.. sorry people, just that I'm being myself...lazy. Ever since FMS has started, I sure have enough content to fill pages and pages of blogs.. but what to do.. so much stuff can not really be assimilated into words. So., here comes the inspiration part.
And the person who has inspired me is ... *tadatada* .. SHIV.. hehe.. well actually his bullet points.. for the uninitiated, Shiv is my classmate ..go check out his blog.. he's on my blogroll.. (Man, Marketing Management at work!!) ..So..sorry d00d, I'm gonna copy the format.. It'll be so much easier. So here goes nothing:

• FMS Started 16th July... 17th.. we were given a long list of group activities
• Presentations
• Business Simulation Games
• Getting to know different people thanks to the groups made by the seniors
• Making parody of the seniors in all presentations
• More Presentations
• Searching frantically for The 80-20 principle
• Late nights at Barista/CCD for supposed group work
• McAloo Tiki burgers provided by seniors on late nights.. thank you guys
• Some more presentations
• Sleepy lectures..i.e. we slept due to lack of sleep otherwise
• Shalin's surprise birthday party..our first bday party, which I also helped organize.. Grand Success
  
• A lot of fun events like The Non-compulsory quizzes.. so much fun not qualifying beyond the second round, but winning chocolates in the audience
• Some 'Shady' team work *wink*
• Application to CRAP
• Assessment Center for CRAP
• SOPBOX for CRAP
• Waiting a week for CRAP results
• Freshers Party in Gourmet Gallery
  
• Finally, making it into CRAP :)
• The failed movie trip with Shiv, Ashmita, Puneet, Sahil and Akshat
• The much required weekend trips home
• Sitting in the last rows of class..no matter which room or seminar hall
• Making loads of new friends.. - Kanika, Jappy, RJ, Saurabh, Ankush, Shiv, Swifty, Samit, Abhishek, Ashmita, Shalini, Puneet, Sandeep, Puru, Sachin, Vikram, and everybody else.. (the above list is in no particular order)
• And loads of other stuff, for which this blog is too small :)

Aahh, feels great to have finally made an entry here.. now time to get back to HR test prep.

The One with The Dream

So, I have this recurring dream. It's not the same dream over and over again but I know what's common between all of them. And I don't need some Freudian psychologist to help me out either.. I havent yet fallen off that sheer almost imperceptible cliff of sanity. I know why these dreams occur, and I don't feel bad about it either.

In all these dreams, he's still there. Still a part of everyone's lives. And we all seem to be going on with normal everyday life , like nothing has happened..and well, in the dream nothing has happened.

I think, in psychology, there's something called a 'safe place' which is used for hypnosis..to recover repressed memories. I think my safe place is th
e Science Block in college.. that's why in these dreams, all of us are always over there. Lazing around, bantering, kidding with each other. And he's also there, playing, teasing, chatting.

I know why these dreams come on a periodical basis.. its because somewhere deep inside I think that he'll be back, and we'll be fine. Its because , in everything we do normally, I imagine him to be around.. and these thoughts are the ones creating visual images in my subconscious mind, and calling them dreams...

I like having these dreams.. at least I get to see him in those. I think we all do.. and I know we all feel happy that he came in a dream. I remember Nidhi telling me on some mornings happily, that he came in her dream last night.

Sometimes life can be so cruel, but one thing I gotta say about life... it gives you a lot of pain
but it gives most people the courage to deal with it one way or the other.. until the pain subsides, from a gut-wrenching one that makes you want to die to a dull throbbing one..that is so insistent that you can never forget that it is there, but at least you don't feel like dying anymore..

The One with Dilemmas

How many real decisions do we take? I mean, on an average, how many of our decisions may alter our life , and hence, we spend some considerable thinking and time to make up our minds?

Me,... I take time to decide between vanilla and strawberry ice-cream... but most decisions aren't this tough or this easy.

The most recent decision that I had to take.. The Real Dilemma...was the choice between FMS and XLRI. And as scientific an analysis that I carried out, I reached the decision based on just a hunch.. One moment I was banging my head trying to decide..the next moment, something inside me said "FMS".. and I was perfectly happy with this voice's decision, and it was like a big responsibility was off me. I had talked to literally two dozen people to come to a decision , and yet when I made the decision, it was none of those voices... it was a completely different voice.

So, the question is who makes these decisions.. the brain, which analyses every detail, sorts out information and works like a businessman, or the heart, which follows God Knows What.
I'm just beginning to realize that this heart is a very tricky fellow... it can very easily lead me into the biggest muddles of my life... do I want that to happen..or do I want to travel a safer path?

Two years back, one of my friends read my hand.. and although she was very serious about it, I was just having fun. She was quite serious, and told me that I'll reach a stage where I'll have to make a very big decision .. a hindi movie style ... maybe an extra-marital affair of some sort.. .. Now , that was too much for me , and I remember clearly that I had laughed at her.

This incident just started a thought process. What does a person do if he/she likes two people at the same time Does it make that person bad... is it wrong to like more than one person at a time? The thing with liking is, it is what your heart feels for a certain person, and you can never tell your heart what to feel and to stop feeling something...

What does one do in such a situation...? Follow common sense and stop hurting oneself and others , or follow the heart, which is devoid of common sense, and end up hurting someone or the other for sure...

I know only one thing for sure...I'll pray to God everyday to spare me from facing such a "Lose-Lose Situation" at any point of life.

The One with The Graduation Song

This one is being written with thanks to Amod. Hey, I didn't know you till a week back, but your regular comments on my blog ,which I appreciate, have led me into an acquaintance with you, heading towards friendship.

And thank you tons for recommending The Graduation Song.. I sent it to my entire class and it was as if the song was written for us only..

And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives
Where we're gonna be when we turn 25
I keep thinking times will never change
Keep on thinking things will always be the same

But when we leave this year we won't be coming back
No more hanging out cause we're on a different track
And if you got something that you need to say
You better say it right now cause you don't have another day

Cause we're moving on and we can't slow down
These memories are playing like a film without sound
And I keep thinking of the night in June
I Didn't know much of love, but it came too soon

And There was me and you, and then it got real blue
Stay at home talkin' on the telephone and
We would get so excited, we'd get so scared
Laughing at our selves thinking life's not fair

And this is how it feels

As we go on, we remember
All the times we had together
And as our lives change, from whatever
We will still be, friends forever

So if we get the big jobs and we make the big money
When we look back now, will that joke still be funny?
Will we still remember everything we learned in school?
Still be trying to break every single rule

Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man?
Can Heather find a job that won't interfere with her tan?
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly

And this is how it feels

As we go on, we remember
All the times we had together
And as our lives change, from whatever
We will still be, friends forever

Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?
Can we survive it out there? Can we make it somehow?
I guess I thought that this would never end
And suddenly it's like we're women and men

Will the past be a shadow that will follow us round?
Will these memories fade when I leave this town
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly

As we go on, we remember
All the times we had together
And as our lives change, from whatever
We will still be, friends forever

The One with The Conference

So, I took the final leap yesterday, when I finally logged onto my yahoo messenger. All the FMS junta logs on to Yahoo only, while all my friends are active on MSN, so, I have a habit of chatting on MSN.

Met a lot of people yesterday from The FMS Batch of 2K7, some who I've met and know, and some new people. And I was online till 1 in the night. They've been having this conference for the past two months, and I joined in only yesterday, and all this delay all because of sheer inertia to something new.

I don't know if this something new is only the shift from MSN to Yahoo, or the more profound shift from old friends to newer ones.

Actually, why I haven't joined in for the past two months, is because I've been spending all the time I have with my college pals, who will soon all be getting busy with their work and going away from Delhi.And as much as I think to myself , that these are the people who form the very fabric of my everyday existence and there's no way I'm going to lose touch with them, I know better.

I have lost touch with people, with whom at different points of time, I've enjoyed the most enviable friendships. And although they're always on my mind, and I know , I probably am on theirs, but it is a fact that life moves on, and all those endless hours of phone conversations get replaced by a single phone call once a year.

Priyanka's leaving for Cal tomorrow.. so she and I met up yesterday one last time to say goodbye. No mushy sentiments with us, no tears nothing... just a wierd hollow in the depths of my being, on walking away from one of those people, who understood my thoughts and empathized with them. Time will go on, she'll get busy, I'll get busy and soon, all that will remain will be a fading memory of days together.

The sense of deja vu is pretty overwhelming right now. It's not like these are the first friends I'll be saying goodbye to, I've been there, done that.
Life will move on, I know...

Laugh and cry
Live and die
Life is a dream, we are dreaming..

Day by day
I find my way
Look for the song and the meaning..

People run
sun to sun
caught in their lives ever flowing

Once begun
life goes till it's gone
we have to where it's going...

The One with The Music

I've been hearing a variety of songs since yesterday, and everytime I hear something I like, I think of writing the lyrics down in my blog.
It's almost amazing , how every song has some memory attached to it.. and most of the times, at least with me, it's the period of time associated with a song that appeals to me more than the song itself.

Not just English songs, but Hindi and Tamil songs too... although I don't hear Tamil stuff, but some of those also are quite dear to me.

And after hearing so many songs, I decided on a particular song which I haven't heard in a very long time, and which might be not a very popular song. It's not even the genre of music that I appreciate anymore, but here I'm writing it anyway.

It's been so long since we took the time
to share words from deep inside us
We're in our own worlds spinning our wheels
but you know how i feel

Since the first time I took your hand
my love for you has just been growing
you always seem to understand
you know how i am

I'm gonna love you till the end
I'm gonna be your very true friend
I wanna share your ups and downs
I'm gonna be around...

- Michael Learns To Rock

I don't enjoy pop music now, haven't for a long time. But hearing MLTR takes me back to school days, when they were one of the first English bands that I had heard. I remember I used to sit and listen to their Greatest Hits album over and over again, just to hear That's Why, Sleeping Child and 25 minutes.

Nowadays, I don't put on my old cassettes and hear them anymore. I don't even buy cassettes anymore. I remember a time when I had to save up money to buy new tapes since they cost more than a hundred bucks. Maybe it's because of the widespread use of the net and p-2-p sharing... sometimes I feel almost sad for all those days gone by, for all the habits lost, for all the songs forgotten...

The One with Gender Musings

I've had this thought once too many times in the recent and not-so-recent past... If only I were born a boy.
It's probably not as erratic a thought as my mom makes it out to be. What she probably doesn't understand is that the thought goes deeper than the reason I told her.

Couple of days back, we had to go attend a house-warming ceremony.. and my mom wouldnt let me wear my old pair of jeans, instead I had to wear a dressy salwar kurta.. which made me absolutely uncomfortable. And she wanted me to wear jewellery also...!!! Sometime during the ceremony, I voiced this thought of mine to mom and she was astonished, and told me all the good things about being a girl.

Is it because the Indian society is like this... ? I would call my parents very accomodating, they give me as much freedom as I could ask for... but if I tell them I would never trade my pair of denims for a diamond necklace, they find it wierd...

I know anyone reading this would probably find it shallow , that based on clothes preferences, I'm writing up a blog entry..
But the thought runs deeper...
Living in Delhi, where the newspaper proclaims everyday on the front page that, This City is Unsafe for Women, I find myself often wondering why women as a gender are always at danger... be it on the roads, or on a bus, or in the workplace? What gives men the right to treat women as they do, on their personal whims and fancies?

Being a regular commuter of Delhi buses, I know what a female faces on a regular basis on a minimal level - leceherous glances, snide comments on your clothes , and this is just the beginning.

Why are women weak? What I'm probably trying to voice is , why should only women have to even think about what could happen if travelling alone, or walking alone... why should they have to follow numerous precautions that the papers suggest? Why can't they walk free on the roads, without being treated as just an object for men to look at?

I guess, I'll never know why.. cause nobody can answer that. And until this type of treatment stops, the question of gender equality can never be completely answered, no matter how advanced the world becomes.

The One with Being Twenty - Something

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis."

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't.

One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.
You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

You are in your best of times and your worst of times, trying as hard as you can to figure this whole thing out.

The One with Memories

Good Times

Went to Aakanksha's bro's marriage yday... had good fun. Yesterday seemed like a day for rekindling old memories and savouring them.

Its funny how life brings us in contact with such different people at different points of time and we seem to make them an inseparable part of our lives.

Seeing Aakanksha's bro get married tp his college girlfriend really made me happy...kinda reimbursed my faith in the system... that is the system of going around with someone.

College is finally over and ny mind is still not getting used to the fact that I wont be seeing the familiar comfortable faces anymore. Instead I'll probably get lost in a jungle of super brainy smart people in FMS... the prospect completely scares me.

I miss all my friends... the ones who I am in touch with, the ones who I dont call or write to, and
the one who I can't call or write to...

I miss you...

The One with Moi

You Are a Life Blogger!

Your blog is the story of your life - a living diary. If it happens, you blog it. And make it as entertaining as possible.

What kind of blogger are you?