The One With Random Musings

As usual I have come back to make a post after many requests to update. My tagboard stopped working suddenly, dont know why and with that all my messages that were on my tagboard have also gone :(.

Well time once again to write whatever comes to my mind right now.
I'm listening to a song by Cher as I write. It's called 'Walking in Memphis'. If anyone is a X-Files fan, they will probably realize the significance of this song. This song is featured in the episode- 'Post-Modern Prometheus'. It is one of the sweetest episodes, considering The X-Files is not a show which has sweet episodes.

The Post Modern Prometheus is special in more than one ways. For starters, it is in black and white. Which kind of fits the episode also, as the town that Mulder and Scully visit is rustic and archaic at its best, both literally and in people's mindsets.

The next unique thing you notice about this episode is the Cher background to it. For a series which is as void of music and happiness as it can get, this episode has Cher tunes in various scenes.
It is a very touching episode in the sense that the monster is actually very good at heart. My heart goes out to The Great Mutato everytime I see this episode. It literally signifies how appearances can be deceiving.

And of course finally, and definitely not the least memorable thing- the Mulder/Scully dance. Its amazingly sweet how Mulder extends his hand to Scully and pulls her into his arms and they slow dance to the song. If you are or were as crazy about XF as I was at a point in time, just the memory of that scene brings a smile to the face.

I guess I havent written about my obsession for XF on this blog. It's another one of those things that I grew up with. I am a die-hard Mulder/Scully fan. I met couple of my couple of friends because we had this in common. Quite funny, when you think about it. When I was around 14-15 I think, my room used to be a collage of pictures of Mulder/David. The series is now over. I own the DVDs but I don't get to watch it with as much fervor as I used to at that time. My pictures and articles collection has dust forming over them. But not on the memories. I know, some people might think it's absurd to be so attached to a TV show.. but for me, it's not just a TV show.

I literally grew up with Mulder and Scully and their experiences, and those memories represent to me a time in life, when I did not have to worry about anything, when all I had to do was go to school and have fun, come back and have some more fun. It represents a time of blooming friendship with Aakanksha, Lalit and Mallika. It represents my teenage phase, when the only person I could dream of was David Duchovny. Aakanksha, Mallika and I had made a pact that we would go visit David sometime in our life, just to tell him how much we loved him.... seems funny eh? What the hell, I'm still game for it :)..

I've blogrolled a new blog.. it is one of my friend's blogs but the person prefers to be anonymous. I was just thinking about the concept of having a blog under a pseudonym. It really appeals to me right now, when I have a lot of stuff that I would like to put down but cannot. But on the other hand, I love it when people read my posts and comment on it. Even if they are people I don't know. I guess I don't have a choice now.. all my friends and then some know about my blog and visit it. Which is just as well I guess.

Put on my blue suede shoes
And I boarded the plane
Touched down in the land of the delta blues
in the middle of the pouring rain
W.C Handy won't you look down over me
Yeah, Ive got a first class ticket
But I'm as blue as a girl can be

When I was Walking in Memphis
I was walking with my feet ten feet off off Beale
Walking in Memphis
Do I really feel the way I feel?

The One with Obscure Thoughts

I really love driving. Especially if there's no traffic to encounter and you can speed along the 25 kms home. I especially love the drive back home at night. Gives me a lot of time to think, reflect on the day's events, people, or just singalong to whatever's on the radio.
So today was just another ride back home.. only full of obscure thoughts, mood swings, a lot of channel shuffling. So what follows will be an obscure presentation of the random thoughts swinging through my head.

I have been angry with someone today. Sorry, my blog is read by too many people, so can't mention names. And the reason I was angry was also juvenile, something I can't be stating or even showing to that person at this age. So, as usual the defensive part of my inner self stepped in as I told myself, that I don't need anyone's help, I can do it all on my own, I m not asking other people for help anymore etc. etc.

Have you ever realized that some of the songs that you listen to when you'r e like 11 or 12, stick with you for life. Today on Radio City, I heard some of the songs that used to come on this programme called Superhit Muqabla on DD-2. Songs from Raju Ban Gaya Gentleman, Deewana etc. and I was surprised to find that after all these years, I remembered the lyrics perfectly.

Anyway, in order to avoid 3 signal lights in the lodhi road area, I take a detour through Jor Bagh. So, virtually everyday I pass through Pulkit's house. He still lives there, just like he did 16 years back. I ve never mentioned him here have I? Pulkit is my oldest friend, oldest in the sense the first friend that I can remember. We both joined AFBBS on the same day, and had a special bond even at that young age of 6. We were both made monitors the first day. We both used to go home together by the back gate. 16 years hence, I still pass through the lane he lives in. I haven't talked to him in ages. We've had our problems. We're somewhat over them.. but a friendship as special as that is as fragile as delicate china. Once broken, the crack is always there. But yes, like any friends, we've had our fun time together...and no matter what, I know that I am and always will be his first friend in life, like he is mine.

I drive through the Lodi Road Area everyday twice. The area signifies a lot in life for me. Other than Pulkit's house which I already mentioned, I pass through AFBBS everyday. It still has the same aircraft standing in the lawns. The buses have changed, and so have the people. But the buildings are the same. I take a look at the building everyday..the senior school building.. and I can still here our voices echoing in the corridors.

The other day I made a detour through Pragati Vihar Hostel..my first residence in Delhi in 1991 May. Everything around there also looks the same. But we have changed. Looking at PV Hostel, makes me realize how much we have changed. We were all young then.. Srini hadn't even joined school, and I was in the 3rd standard. Mum didn't work then, and dad wasn't a lawyer. Life was relaxed. Dad used to carry my bicycle down two floors and teach me how to ride it, running behind all the time. He used to throw ball to Srini and play cricket. We used to go to Children's park to go on the slide that went round and round. Things are very different now. All four of us are so busy in our own work, we eat together once a week.. but I am still thankful for that.

I think there's been an overdose of obscure thoughts, but what the hell, its my blog, I can write whatever I want. But I am still angry with that someone, I hope you read this. And I still miss life that used to be, people who used to be..but I love the life that is now, the people there are now.. and the best thing is to always adapt and start loving life, whatever the changes.

The One with Deepak's Birthday

So it's that day again.... September 4th 2005. The dawn of September brings with it memories some good, some very bad.. but mostly to me, September is the month of bad things happening. Irony factor.. September 4th used to be a day of celebration, but that one day of celebration is also now a day for just bittersweet memories.

When Karan called yesterday night, he had already lapsed into sadness, and after I finished taking him out of it, it was my turn. It's Deepak's birthday today. This year, none of us are together to celebrate. Karan said that Sumit and he will be celebrating at night with a nice dinner and all. Last year we all went to a temple on this day.

And last to last year, we had celebrated properly. I remember I had gifted him the watch because it was a standing joke between us, that my watch was bought from a gubbarewalla, and he wanted the same. I went a step ahead and had bought him a proper watch. I had wanted him to know how glad I was to have him as a friend. As it is, we were just recovering from a semester of animosity, and were strengthening our friendship at that time.

I could not go to a temple today like we had all planned to. But I prayed at home itself. I prayed for him to be happy always. I prayed for his sisters to be happy. I prayed to God to give courage to his parents to face year after year of birthdays. I prayed for us.

And even though every day I think about him, some remark, some smile, some incident, .. some days are worse than others. And birthdays definitely the worst. He's 23 today :)

Tere bina zindagi se koi shikwa to nahi
Tere bina zindagi bhi lekin zindagi to nahi...

Happy Birthday Deepak !!

The One with The Inspiration

So, yeah.. they've all been telling me that I've abandoned my blog, mera blog lawaris ho gaya hai and so on and so forth.. sorry people, just that I'm being myself...lazy. Ever since FMS has started, I sure have enough content to fill pages and pages of blogs.. but what to do.. so much stuff can not really be assimilated into words. So., here comes the inspiration part.
And the person who has inspired me is ... *tadatada* .. SHIV.. hehe.. well actually his bullet points.. for the uninitiated, Shiv is my classmate ..go check out his blog.. he's on my blogroll.. (Man, Marketing Management at work!!) ..So..sorry d00d, I'm gonna copy the format.. It'll be so much easier. So here goes nothing:

• FMS Started 16th July... 17th.. we were given a long list of group activities
• Presentations
• Business Simulation Games
• Getting to know different people thanks to the groups made by the seniors
• Making parody of the seniors in all presentations
• More Presentations
• Searching frantically for The 80-20 principle
• Late nights at Barista/CCD for supposed group work
• McAloo Tiki burgers provided by seniors on late nights.. thank you guys
• Some more presentations
• Sleepy lectures..i.e. we slept due to lack of sleep otherwise
• Shalin's surprise birthday party..our first bday party, which I also helped organize.. Grand Success
  
• A lot of fun events like The Non-compulsory quizzes.. so much fun not qualifying beyond the second round, but winning chocolates in the audience
• Some 'Shady' team work *wink*
• Application to CRAP
• Assessment Center for CRAP
• SOPBOX for CRAP
• Waiting a week for CRAP results
• Freshers Party in Gourmet Gallery
  
• Finally, making it into CRAP :)
• The failed movie trip with Shiv, Ashmita, Puneet, Sahil and Akshat
• The much required weekend trips home
• Sitting in the last rows of class..no matter which room or seminar hall
• Making loads of new friends.. - Kanika, Jappy, RJ, Saurabh, Ankush, Shiv, Swifty, Samit, Abhishek, Ashmita, Shalini, Puneet, Sandeep, Puru, Sachin, Vikram, and everybody else.. (the above list is in no particular order)
• And loads of other stuff, for which this blog is too small :)

Aahh, feels great to have finally made an entry here.. now time to get back to HR test prep.

The One with The Dream

So, I have this recurring dream. It's not the same dream over and over again but I know what's common between all of them. And I don't need some Freudian psychologist to help me out either.. I havent yet fallen off that sheer almost imperceptible cliff of sanity. I know why these dreams occur, and I don't feel bad about it either.

In all these dreams, he's still there. Still a part of everyone's lives. And we all seem to be going on with normal everyday life , like nothing has happened..and well, in the dream nothing has happened.

I think, in psychology, there's something called a 'safe place' which is used for hypnosis..to recover repressed memories. I think my safe place is th
e Science Block in college.. that's why in these dreams, all of us are always over there. Lazing around, bantering, kidding with each other. And he's also there, playing, teasing, chatting.

I know why these dreams come on a periodical basis.. its because somewhere deep inside I think that he'll be back, and we'll be fine. Its because , in everything we do normally, I imagine him to be around.. and these thoughts are the ones creating visual images in my subconscious mind, and calling them dreams...

I like having these dreams.. at least I get to see him in those. I think we all do.. and I know we all feel happy that he came in a dream. I remember Nidhi telling me on some mornings happily, that he came in her dream last night.

Sometimes life can be so cruel, but one thing I gotta say about life... it gives you a lot of pain
but it gives most people the courage to deal with it one way or the other.. until the pain subsides, from a gut-wrenching one that makes you want to die to a dull throbbing one..that is so insistent that you can never forget that it is there, but at least you don't feel like dying anymore..

The One with Dilemmas

How many real decisions do we take? I mean, on an average, how many of our decisions may alter our life , and hence, we spend some considerable thinking and time to make up our minds?

Me,... I take time to decide between vanilla and strawberry ice-cream... but most decisions aren't this tough or this easy.

The most recent decision that I had to take.. The Real Dilemma...was the choice between FMS and XLRI. And as scientific an analysis that I carried out, I reached the decision based on just a hunch.. One moment I was banging my head trying to decide..the next moment, something inside me said "FMS".. and I was perfectly happy with this voice's decision, and it was like a big responsibility was off me. I had talked to literally two dozen people to come to a decision , and yet when I made the decision, it was none of those voices... it was a completely different voice.

So, the question is who makes these decisions.. the brain, which analyses every detail, sorts out information and works like a businessman, or the heart, which follows God Knows What.
I'm just beginning to realize that this heart is a very tricky fellow... it can very easily lead me into the biggest muddles of my life... do I want that to happen..or do I want to travel a safer path?

Two years back, one of my friends read my hand.. and although she was very serious about it, I was just having fun. She was quite serious, and told me that I'll reach a stage where I'll have to make a very big decision .. a hindi movie style ... maybe an extra-marital affair of some sort.. .. Now , that was too much for me , and I remember clearly that I had laughed at her.

This incident just started a thought process. What does a person do if he/she likes two people at the same time Does it make that person bad... is it wrong to like more than one person at a time? The thing with liking is, it is what your heart feels for a certain person, and you can never tell your heart what to feel and to stop feeling something...

What does one do in such a situation...? Follow common sense and stop hurting oneself and others , or follow the heart, which is devoid of common sense, and end up hurting someone or the other for sure...

I know only one thing for sure...I'll pray to God everyday to spare me from facing such a "Lose-Lose Situation" at any point of life.

The One with The Graduation Song

This one is being written with thanks to Amod. Hey, I didn't know you till a week back, but your regular comments on my blog ,which I appreciate, have led me into an acquaintance with you, heading towards friendship.

And thank you tons for recommending The Graduation Song.. I sent it to my entire class and it was as if the song was written for us only..

And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives
Where we're gonna be when we turn 25
I keep thinking times will never change
Keep on thinking things will always be the same

But when we leave this year we won't be coming back
No more hanging out cause we're on a different track
And if you got something that you need to say
You better say it right now cause you don't have another day

Cause we're moving on and we can't slow down
These memories are playing like a film without sound
And I keep thinking of the night in June
I Didn't know much of love, but it came too soon

And There was me and you, and then it got real blue
Stay at home talkin' on the telephone and
We would get so excited, we'd get so scared
Laughing at our selves thinking life's not fair

And this is how it feels

As we go on, we remember
All the times we had together
And as our lives change, from whatever
We will still be, friends forever

So if we get the big jobs and we make the big money
When we look back now, will that joke still be funny?
Will we still remember everything we learned in school?
Still be trying to break every single rule

Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man?
Can Heather find a job that won't interfere with her tan?
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly

And this is how it feels

As we go on, we remember
All the times we had together
And as our lives change, from whatever
We will still be, friends forever

Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?
Can we survive it out there? Can we make it somehow?
I guess I thought that this would never end
And suddenly it's like we're women and men

Will the past be a shadow that will follow us round?
Will these memories fade when I leave this town
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly

As we go on, we remember
All the times we had together
And as our lives change, from whatever
We will still be, friends forever

The One with The Conference

So, I took the final leap yesterday, when I finally logged onto my yahoo messenger. All the FMS junta logs on to Yahoo only, while all my friends are active on MSN, so, I have a habit of chatting on MSN.

Met a lot of people yesterday from The FMS Batch of 2K7, some who I've met and know, and some new people. And I was online till 1 in the night. They've been having this conference for the past two months, and I joined in only yesterday, and all this delay all because of sheer inertia to something new.

I don't know if this something new is only the shift from MSN to Yahoo, or the more profound shift from old friends to newer ones.

Actually, why I haven't joined in for the past two months, is because I've been spending all the time I have with my college pals, who will soon all be getting busy with their work and going away from Delhi.And as much as I think to myself , that these are the people who form the very fabric of my everyday existence and there's no way I'm going to lose touch with them, I know better.

I have lost touch with people, with whom at different points of time, I've enjoyed the most enviable friendships. And although they're always on my mind, and I know , I probably am on theirs, but it is a fact that life moves on, and all those endless hours of phone conversations get replaced by a single phone call once a year.

Priyanka's leaving for Cal tomorrow.. so she and I met up yesterday one last time to say goodbye. No mushy sentiments with us, no tears nothing... just a wierd hollow in the depths of my being, on walking away from one of those people, who understood my thoughts and empathized with them. Time will go on, she'll get busy, I'll get busy and soon, all that will remain will be a fading memory of days together.

The sense of deja vu is pretty overwhelming right now. It's not like these are the first friends I'll be saying goodbye to, I've been there, done that.
Life will move on, I know...

Laugh and cry
Live and die
Life is a dream, we are dreaming..

Day by day
I find my way
Look for the song and the meaning..

People run
sun to sun
caught in their lives ever flowing

Once begun
life goes till it's gone
we have to where it's going...

The One with The Music

I've been hearing a variety of songs since yesterday, and everytime I hear something I like, I think of writing the lyrics down in my blog.
It's almost amazing , how every song has some memory attached to it.. and most of the times, at least with me, it's the period of time associated with a song that appeals to me more than the song itself.

Not just English songs, but Hindi and Tamil songs too... although I don't hear Tamil stuff, but some of those also are quite dear to me.

And after hearing so many songs, I decided on a particular song which I haven't heard in a very long time, and which might be not a very popular song. It's not even the genre of music that I appreciate anymore, but here I'm writing it anyway.

It's been so long since we took the time
to share words from deep inside us
We're in our own worlds spinning our wheels
but you know how i feel

Since the first time I took your hand
my love for you has just been growing
you always seem to understand
you know how i am

I'm gonna love you till the end
I'm gonna be your very true friend
I wanna share your ups and downs
I'm gonna be around...

- Michael Learns To Rock

I don't enjoy pop music now, haven't for a long time. But hearing MLTR takes me back to school days, when they were one of the first English bands that I had heard. I remember I used to sit and listen to their Greatest Hits album over and over again, just to hear That's Why, Sleeping Child and 25 minutes.

Nowadays, I don't put on my old cassettes and hear them anymore. I don't even buy cassettes anymore. I remember a time when I had to save up money to buy new tapes since they cost more than a hundred bucks. Maybe it's because of the widespread use of the net and p-2-p sharing... sometimes I feel almost sad for all those days gone by, for all the habits lost, for all the songs forgotten...

The One with Gender Musings

I've had this thought once too many times in the recent and not-so-recent past... If only I were born a boy.
It's probably not as erratic a thought as my mom makes it out to be. What she probably doesn't understand is that the thought goes deeper than the reason I told her.

Couple of days back, we had to go attend a house-warming ceremony.. and my mom wouldnt let me wear my old pair of jeans, instead I had to wear a dressy salwar kurta.. which made me absolutely uncomfortable. And she wanted me to wear jewellery also...!!! Sometime during the ceremony, I voiced this thought of mine to mom and she was astonished, and told me all the good things about being a girl.

Is it because the Indian society is like this... ? I would call my parents very accomodating, they give me as much freedom as I could ask for... but if I tell them I would never trade my pair of denims for a diamond necklace, they find it wierd...

I know anyone reading this would probably find it shallow , that based on clothes preferences, I'm writing up a blog entry..
But the thought runs deeper...
Living in Delhi, where the newspaper proclaims everyday on the front page that, This City is Unsafe for Women, I find myself often wondering why women as a gender are always at danger... be it on the roads, or on a bus, or in the workplace? What gives men the right to treat women as they do, on their personal whims and fancies?

Being a regular commuter of Delhi buses, I know what a female faces on a regular basis on a minimal level - leceherous glances, snide comments on your clothes , and this is just the beginning.

Why are women weak? What I'm probably trying to voice is , why should only women have to even think about what could happen if travelling alone, or walking alone... why should they have to follow numerous precautions that the papers suggest? Why can't they walk free on the roads, without being treated as just an object for men to look at?

I guess, I'll never know why.. cause nobody can answer that. And until this type of treatment stops, the question of gender equality can never be completely answered, no matter how advanced the world becomes.

The One with Being Twenty - Something

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis."

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't.

One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.
You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

You are in your best of times and your worst of times, trying as hard as you can to figure this whole thing out.

The One with Memories

Good Times

Went to Aakanksha's bro's marriage yday... had good fun. Yesterday seemed like a day for rekindling old memories and savouring them.

Its funny how life brings us in contact with such different people at different points of time and we seem to make them an inseparable part of our lives.

Seeing Aakanksha's bro get married tp his college girlfriend really made me happy...kinda reimbursed my faith in the system... that is the system of going around with someone.

College is finally over and ny mind is still not getting used to the fact that I wont be seeing the familiar comfortable faces anymore. Instead I'll probably get lost in a jungle of super brainy smart people in FMS... the prospect completely scares me.

I miss all my friends... the ones who I am in touch with, the ones who I dont call or write to, and
the one who I can't call or write to...

I miss you...

The One with Moi

You Are a Life Blogger!

Your blog is the story of your life - a living diary. If it happens, you blog it. And make it as entertaining as possible.

What kind of blogger are you?

The One with Visitors and Roommates

Just because I titled this post as 'first real visitor' does not mean that the anonymous person was not, so no offence to you, Mr./Ms. Anonymous.

It means someone I actually know visited my blog ... and altho' its not in much of a condition to be visited, but it's lovely to have visitors anyway...

Since this afternoon, tyre technology has made some progress, and I'm feeling relatively satisfied with two full days yet to go...

And, oh yes, today I got to know that the only girls I personally know at PG, are now my roommates at C-14, Vijay Nagar... I'm once again relatively satisfied, Just hope we get along well..

And all this commotion abt new roommates made me sit back and think that Priyanka is no longer gonna be my roommate, and that's a saddening thought... : (

Four years, one great roommate, one helluva friend and an absolute bash of hostel life... Anand, this one's for you... I'm gonna miss you babe..

The One with Tyre Technology

So, here I am trying to motivate myself to study for the exam that is on this Tuesday... and what is the result of such motivation, I ask you? Blogging.., and probably worse, going through the FMS 2K7 thread.., where a bunch of ppl, nice as they are , are completley VELLA, and are bantering with each other.

And do I need to be reading all of that banter on the days before my final semester exams? Common sense says no, but who listens? I'm being overcome with an inexplicable urge to read Calvin & Hobbes throughout the day.. once again , a wrong urge.

I also want to finish off my PG Wodehouse, so that then maybe I'll be able to concentrate on Tyre Technology..
But nothing seems to be really going my way, obviously Galahad Threepwood is more interesting than a bunch of tubeless tyres, but is the crowd at Blandings going to get me through the exams?

I think not....

tyre technology.. here I come..

The One with The Round Trip

Ever since I've moved in here with my blog, I've been looking for new templates besides the ones provided by Blogger, but no luck, :(

Surprise of surprises, my blog had a visitor, who decided to drop me a note in the mailbox, to say Blog On! Don't know who u are, anonymous visitor, but visit again!!

went for a round trip around Delhi today to look for accomodation near FMS. Found the flat that the seniors are staying in, looked around, and gave advance. Anybody with a sane mind would have opted for the double seaters, but I went for the triple, cause the room was airy and bright... but its nothing like a hostel, have to get my own furnishings also.... It's gonna take a lot of planning, which I'm putting off for now till exams get over..

Which reminds me, I should hit the books ....

The One with The Pink Template

... doesn't a brand new blog feel like writer's paradise, waiting to be filled with thoughts.
Well, here I am , making a paradise of my own. First things first, I really have no clue why I've chosen a pink background.. but I guess for a blog named Chiquitita, pink is most suitable...

so pink stays :)